LOOK YOU ~ a rolling scrapbook of life, the universe and nearly everything...
ARCHIVE 2015 - APRIL

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POSTCARDS FROM
MY SQUARE MILE
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Updated: 11/08/2013

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for a taste of life on the wild side of my square mile, click...

400 Smiles A Day
Updated: 08/06/2013



                                                                                        Design: Yosida

 
                                                                 ♫♫♫ TO SELF                            
It seems that the artist Leonardo da Vinci kept a notebook, Notes to Self, a list of “things to do today”: buy paper; charcoal; chalk ... describe tongue of woodpecker and jaw of crocodile...
     These are my Notes to Self, a daily record of the things that make me smile and which brighten up my day no end, whether read in a newspaper, seen on TV, heard on the radio, told in the pub, spotted in the supermarket, a good joke, a great story, a funny cartoon, a film clip, an eye-catching picture, a memorable song, something startling that nevertheless generates a spontaneous smile, curiosities spotted along my walks through the Towy Valley...
     This is a snapshot of life beyond the blue horizon...

    
                                                                               ...and everyday a doolally smile of the day
PS: The shortest distance between two people is a smile ...
                                                                             
Contact Me
 
Thursday, April 30th, 2015

TIME to catch up with a missive or two ― or even three. This from The Times:

Short and sweet

Sir, The Cambridge philosophy question reminded me of the tale of a question in an Oxford history paper. “Was Queen Mary a good queen? Be brief.”
     One candidate wrote “Yes”. The examiner wrote in the margin: “A good, brief answer. But a better, and briefer, one would have been ‘No’.”
Christopher Wilton, Petersfield, Hampshire

That reminds me of a chat-up line compliments of Old Shaggy down at the Crazy Horsepower Saloon. Or was it Young Shagwell?

Anyway, there he is, Old Shaggy, chatting up a female at the bar: “I’m a man of very few words. Do you or don’t you?”

“As a matter of fact, yes I do,” responds the delightful lady. “My place or yours?”

“Look,” he says, “if you’re going to argue, forget about it.”

And a letter in The Telegraph:

Plastic fantastic  

SIR – Why are cucumbers wrapped in plastic?
Patrick Wroe, Felixstowe, Suffolk

An online response:

Astrantia: A cucumber grower explained on TV that they dry out and wrinkle very quickly due to their very high water content. The shrink wrap prevents this and the cost involved is minimal compared to the wastage involved in unwrapped cucumbers.
     Whether this is right, I know not, as most places sell the wrapped varieties, and any we grow in the greenhouse are small by comparison, and don’t last long enough for us to find out as they are quickly eaten up.

And this response via the letters page:

SIR – Research shows that a wrapped cucumber lasts three times longer than an unwrapped one and loses less weight through evaporation.
     What interests me, though, is why supermarkets sell their brandy in plastic bottles, but all other spirits in glass. It certainly doesn’t last any longer in my drinks cupboard.
Malcolm Watson, Welford, Berkshire


Yes, I’d noticed that with Tesco’s own-brand brandy.

Google found this explanation:

08/03/2010: Tesco is continuing its efforts to reduce carbon emissions from packaging by trialling the use of plastic bottles for its own-brand brandy, as well as introducing lightweight glass bottles for its range of wines.

Tesco claims the new brandy bottles will lead to an 86% reduction in packaging, while the 300g wine bottles are 30% lighter than Tesco’s previous own-label bottles and will save 560 tonnes of glass every year.

Hm, I presume there is no danger of the plastic leaching any nasty stuff. And I can find no explanation as to why brandy rather than whisky or rum or whatever.

The secret is, obviously, to follow Malcolm Watson, above: drink the stuff ASAP.

Parting thought

Yesterday I told the tale of the bonking hay bales from Down Under. The day after I originally saw the story, I Googled the headline because I wanted to confirm some information. No problem there.

But here’s the thing: when I next visited YouTube, there, first up on the recommended list of videos to watch, were:
          ‘Elephants mating at Patora Elephant Farm – 4.3m views’
          ‘Siberian Husky Dog Mating – 3.5m views’
          ‘Female, Male Parts – 6.2m views’

Goodness. My guess is that I am now listed on the Google/YouTube data base as a pervert. Mind you, perhaps I did recover some points by not watching any of them.

Funny old world.
 


Wednesday, April 29th

                                       
Pack up your troubles, enjoy your yummy Kit Kats

WELL, that last supply of Kit Kats took much longer to enjoy than anticipated.

Over the past two weeks or so a couple of things enticed me away from the computer, television, radio and newspapers: first, the election nonsense waiting in ambush round every corner; and of course the wonderful spring weather enjoyed over the past few weeks.

Honestly, the Towy Valley, like every other valley in the country I guess, has been a treat as spring proper finally came bustin’ out all over: the birds singing as the guys furiously romanced the gals; the flowers exploding into bloom; the perfumed garden that is my favourite bluebell wood; the leaves bursting at the seams; the lambs bouncing all over the shop; the sun on my face...

But the weather has suddenly taken a turn for the worst, with snow in certain northern parts of the UK; indeed, this very morning I was grounded by a cold, wet front passing through. Even hail this afternoon. It really is quite chilly outside.

Be all that as it May ― or April, even ― I have sneakily been keeping half-an-eye online for those things that have Look You written all over them.

And here’s one particularly doolally tale that really did catch my eye ― especially so as it has a nice twist in the tail.

A Mail Online  headline and photo drew me in:
 

Mooove it: Australian farmer faces pornography charges after he refuses
to dismantle and remove cheeky bale sculpture of cows making hay



Hello, statue? Farmer Bruce Cook of Lake Charm fails to charm the cops though
 

And then one thing leads to another ... a photograph of mine which juxtaposes perfectly with the above picture...
 

Not quite up to speed yet

A randy young Towy Valley colt finds things going downhill fast

But first things first, the Bale Mounted Police story...

Bruce Cook, who owns Kaktus Point Charolais stud at Lake Charm in northwest Victoria, put up the hay bale sculpture in front of his farm property in Victoria.

He told Daily Mail Australia that police told him to pull down the model after they received a complaint about the offensive nature of the statue.

And just to add a bit of cheek, Mr Cook says he will be adding fairy lights to the structure and plans to add an extra two calves to complete the sculpture. 

Mr Cook insists his artwork is ‘a bit of fun’, which he put up on Good Friday.

The 59-year-old says many passers-by have stopped to take photos.

Acting Sergeant Chris O’Flaherty, duty officer of the local Kerang Police Station, was unable to provide details of the matter but did confirm that police spoke with Mr Cook.

He told Daily Mail Australia that no charges have been made and the matter is still under investigation...

Hm, when I read ‘acting Sergeant Chris O’Flaherty’ I thought it was, perhaps, a television or YouTube spoof ― but no, it really is doolallyness at its very best.

Now the reason this particular bale tale made me smile was that, just the day before I read it, I captured a series of marvellous pictures involving the horses I encounter every morning along my sunrise walk. Well, two of the horses anyway.

Recently, a colt joined the three mares already in residence. I’m not sure of the colt’s actual age ― he’s quite young, very friendly, a bit of a pussycat, really.

Anyway, one morning, one of the mares was in the mood for a spot of rumpy-pumpy ― a role in the hay, sort of thing ― and our young hero was eager to please, but clearly had no previous experience, so to speak.

Now I plan to do a feature on his most amusing trial and error performance, but before I do I hope to have a chat with his owners to find out some details about his exact age, etc...

Watch this space, as they say...

Spell-cheque corner:  ‘Charolais’ (a French breed of cattle), as in ‘Kaktus Point Charolais stud at Lake Charm’, came up as ‘Charlies’. Hm, the ‘Kaktus Point Charlies stud...’. It has a certain charm about it.

 

Sunday, April 12th > > > > > >
YES, time for a brief early-spring forage into my supply of Kit Kats...

However, before I temporarily disappear into the undergrowth, a missive from a little while back, which I had meant to mention in a previous dispatch, and spotted in The Times:

Which @ in heaven

Sir, The order of service at a wedding I attended last week contained a version of the Lord’s Prayer which I had not seen before. It read: “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from email.” Amen to that.
Andrew Body, Ludlow, Shropshire

I am duly reminded of those three things in life that can never be recalled, that will never come back ― actually, they can now be updated to four: the fired bullet; the spoken word; the lost opportunity; and the electronic message.

Amen² to that.
 


Saturday, April 11th

GENTLE WARNING: For those pure of mind and thought, much of today’s dispatch will remain one of life’s sweet mysteries.

Many a cock-up twixt pack and lip

Pour design: spotted on a Tesco shelf in Dublin
(yep, the last drop always falls on the floor)
But what were they thinking?

Grand gaffes under starter’s orders

With the Grand National being run today, I was suitably amused by a poll of the funniest horse-racing commentary cock-ups of all time.

The poll, commissioned by bookmakers William Hill, to celebrate the big race, asked 2,000 racing fans to nominate their favourite slip-ups and blunders.

Of the Top 10 Gaffes, here’s the six-pack that tickled my old smileometer, and in no particular order:

“Not many people can claim to have ridden a winner on their honeymoon ― at least, not on a horse.”
Newlywed jockey Chris Maude after a 1998 winner at Plumpton.

“A racing horse is not like a machine. It has to be tuned up like a racing car.”
Racing journalist Christopher Poole.

“This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.”
Former amateur jockey and commentator Ted Walsh shares a private moment ― and definitely much too much information.

“The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball.”
Channel 4’s John Francome has an on-air slip in 1995.

“Tony [McCoy] has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees.”
Stewart Machin commentating on the jockey’s chances as he enters the home stretch.

“My word, look at that magnificent erection.”
The new stand at Doncaster racecourse took TV presenter Brough Scott’s breath away.

Very good. But here’s the one that topped the poll of the ‘funniest’ horse-racing gaffes of all time ― and I remember this quote at the time because there was quite a fuss and the BBC was forced to apologise. (And, surprise, surprise, nothing at all to do with Jeremy Clarkson.)

“Let’s see your teeth. He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world, viewers ― but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.”
Clare Balding to jockey Liam Treadwell directly after he won the 2009 Grand National.

While gaffes are genuine verbal slip-ups, or perhaps something said in all innocence but which has a glorious double-meaning to those with a sense of fun or mischief ― but surely, that Clare Balding quote is a direct insult rather than a slip of the tongue?

She knew precisely what she was saying and I can understand why the BBC had to apologise. That it was voted the funniest horse-racing gaffe of all time is puzzling in the extreme.

My favourite, though, is that Stewart Machin slip about Tony McCoy having a quick look between his legs and liking what he sees.

Brilliant.

It reminds me of BBC athletics commentator Ron Pickering and his now legendary ‘Colemanball’.

At the 1976 Summer Olympics in Montreal, Pickering commentated on a race involving Cuban double-gold medallist Alberto Juantorena, whose muscular build and nine-foot stride contributed to his nickname El Caballo (the horse). Pickering said this:

“And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.”

I think some Tesco buttermilk is called for...
 


Friday, April 10th

“IT’S said that politics is the second-oldest profession and takes most of its rules from the first.” Author Michael Dobbs (House of Cards) marginally paraphrases Ronald Regan’s clever observation.

Hm. So it is surprising, then, that our idiot politicians couldn’t even organise a leg-over in a bordello on a lads’ night out.

Whatever, just prior to the dissolution of Parliament and the start of the general election campaign proper, there was a heated debate in Westminster as to whether the Speaker of the House of Commons should be elected by secret ballot rather than by a show of hands.

The argument being that the Speaker will be naturally prejudiced against those who did not vote for him or her. Indeed, that is precisely how human nature works.

Be that as it may, I rather liked this letter in The Times:

Very secret ballot

Sir, In 1979 Heriot-Watt University Union solved the problem of polling a secret ballot by a show of hands. The raised right hand indicated voting intention while the left hand covered one’s eyes.
Peter Wright, West Kilbride, Ayrshire

Brilliant. Which brings me neatly to this...

“Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.” From the novel Pudd’nhead Wilson (1894) by Mark Twain.
 


Thursday, April 9th
 “Intelligence isn’t really a measure of intellectual capacity, but a gauge of the ability to deal effectively with life.” The late Janet L Read reflects on David Wechsler, leading American psychologist (1896-1981), and his observation that Intelligence/IQ is the “Capacity to act purposefully, think rationally and deal effectively with the environment”.

Hm, interesting beyond. And to that end, this in the Telegraph  grabbed my attention...

         Eight tricks to make you appear more intelligent

How to give the impression of expertise when you don’t know what you’re talking about

Now how could I not be seduced by such a clickbait. Here’s an abridged version of those tricks:

1)  Cover up

Those who wear fewer clothes are viewed as more emotional, but less capable of planning and acting on their own decisions. Boffins, meanwhile, we recognise as shrouded in cardigans and scarves. [And tattoos, I suggest, are clearly a no-go area.]

Well, I am shrouded in non-fashion (and no tattoos), which probably means ‘tick’.

2)  Wear glasses

The ultimate geek’s accessory is scientifically proven to make you look more intelligent. ‘Tick’.

3)  Look good

If you make a good impression on others, they’re more likely to judge specific traits ― such as intelligence ― positively. This is known as “the halo effect” and means that attractive people are often judged as more intelligent, kind and interesting than others.

Ah-ha, choosing the right parents, right? What else can I say but ‘tick’.

4)  But not too good, ladies

Unfortunately, men are judged to be more intelligent and competent than women, which mean that women have to put in extra effort ― and even adopt masculine mannerisms ― if they want to create an impression of expertise. ‘Pass’.

5)  Don’t swear

In one study, 54 per cent of those surveyed said they perceive people who swear as less intelligent. So listen to your mother and keep your language clean.

‘Tick’ (presumably swearing within quotation marks to highlight a point is okay, otherwise I could be in trouble).

6)  Talk quickly

Long pauses won’t make you look thoughtful, but stupid. Cut out those irritating “umms” and make your point briskly.

Sort of ‘tick’.

7)  Use simple words

Keep it simple, stupid.

‘Tick’.

8)  Stay away from booze

Self-explanatory. [And again I presume they mean having an addiction to drink.]

‘Tick’

Hm, I must be slightly more intelligent than average, which comes as a bit of a surprise.

There again, my mother did respond to someone once when asked if I was a doctor: “No, he’s not a doctor,” she sighed. “But he is quite clever at some things.” Good old mums, eh? Where would we be without them?

  Whatever, now for the ever-entertaining comment section...

willpenny: You want to sound intelligent?
      1/  Never say BASICALLY.
      2/  Never say 24/7.
      3/  Never say AT THE END OF THE DAY.
      4/  Never say ISSUES.
      5/  Never say I DON'T DO.
      6/  Never say LATERS.
      7/  Never say AMAZING.
      7/  Never write LOL.
      8/  Never write OMG.
      9/  Never take SELFIES.
     10/  Never use TWITTER.
     11/  Never, never be POLITICALLY-CORRECT.
     12/  Never watch QUESTION TIME.

nb
     15/ And never quote other people when constructing an argument ... always sounds like you haven’t got an original thought of your own (sheep-speak).

?? (> willpenny): What do you mean don’t be politically correct? What’s wrong with selfies? I know brilliant people who are/do both. By politically correct you mean ‘polite’. People who aren’t politically correct are clearly dumber than soup.

As for willpenny’s curious missing points of order, a brace of suggestions:

FraxinusExcelsior (> willpenny):
     13/  Don’t say SO at the beginning of every phrase and sentence.


Burung Hantu (> willpenny):
     14/  Never use UNNECESSARY CAPITAL LETTERS.

Flatulentia Buttox (> willpenny): Never say “I’m passionate about…”

stickytape (> willpenny): And never ever write lists, and never ever shout (Capitals).

Lesprit Delescalier (> stickytape): And never, ever capitalise ordinary nouns. And never, ever omit a comma between “never, ever”.

stickytape (> Lesprit Delescalier):
Were you born a tosser? Did you achieve it? Or was it thrust upon you?
Curious is all.
And f**k off while you’re at it.


I’m not sure why, but that last comment tickled my old smileometer no end. But this commenter was not amused.

Paul Mathews (> stickytape):
However, I am almost certain that Lesprit Delescalier will never, ever be as rude and ignorant as you.


Finally...

Son of Casandra (> willpenny):
Hmmmm. Basically I’ve had to listen 24/7 to people trying to pretend they are intelligent. At the end of the day I find that never helps me with any of my issues and in spite of some amazing recommendations to resolve this, I usually find myself LOL or even exclaiming OMG at some of the suggestions I’ve received via Twitter.
     I know that may not be politically correct and you’re probably wondering why I’m writing this instead of watching the great political debate currently unfolding on television. To be honest I’m saving myself for Question Time later.
     I’m sorry but I refuse to stoop to writing “I don’t do” or even “laters” mainly because, as George Bernard Shaw said, I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

willpenny (> Son of Casandra): 10 out of 10 ... How can I fault such a scribe
!

How indeed,
willpenny.

I found all that stuff wonderfully entertaining. But I was surprised that nobody had questioned why willpenny had used the number 7) twice in his list of things to avoid ― if you want to sound intelligent, that is.

Was it an ambush well avoided by those who decided to comment?
 


Wednesday, April 8th

Pandæmonium

“Sex,” Woody Allen once nearly said, “is the most fun you can have without laughing or smiling.”

Well now...

  Giant pandas set record for longest ever recorded sex sessions

Stud Lu Lu’s eight-minute mating session with zexy Zhen Zhen was the record for barely a day as he then copulated with another panda, the x-factorish Xi Mei, for a smile-inducing 18 minutes and three seconds

When Harry Harry met Sally Sally

“Never mind what she’s having – I’ll have what
he has for breakfast every morning”
(with a nod and a wink to iPanda for adding iStud to their image)

Bonking supremo Lu Lu (Harry) and his enthusiastic mate Xi Mei (Sally) enjoyed the marathon mating session at China’s Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre last Friday. (I wonder if Lidl are selling breakfast bamboo shoots yet?)

Panda experts were so pleased with Lu Lu’s prowess, they broadcast the sex epic live on China Network Television’s iPanda website.

There’s a link at the bottom ― ho, ho, ho ― and it really is worth clicking on because Xi Mei sounds and looks exactly like Sally in that memorable diner scene from the film.

But what I like best is the look of supreme supercalifragilisticexpialidociousness on the face of Harry as he keeps right on to the end of the road. The high road, that is. And best of all, he can’t stop smiling.

Ah, but was Harry faking it for most of those 18 minutes? I mean, perhaps Sally wasn’t quite as sexy as she thought she was and he had to keep up the pretence, pardon the pun.

Judge for yourself at the tail end of today’s XL smile of the day.

Oh yes, I did enjoy this online comment...

John of Liskeard:
I was so proud that I once lasted 61 minutes ― but then the wife informed me that the clocks had just gone forward an hour.

But before we get to Harry meeting Sally, this from Camilla Long in last weekend’s Sunday Times...

                          
Does my bunny look big in this?

First it was shagging pandas that were making headlines, now it’s fat rabbits.

According to PDSA, the charity that provides veterinary care for sick and injured animals, a large number of the country’s 1.3m pet rabbits are obese.

The charity is putting the blame on carrots, which have a very high sugar content and should be given only as occasional treats.

Obviously, though, I’ll be blaming the parents.

Just as fat children ― or, indeed, any children ― should not be allowed to have 22 chocolate Easter eggs each, fat rabbits should not be fed endless carrots.

I mention the above carrot issue because, along my sunrise walks I encounter horses, and I regularly feed them a few carrots. Indeed, they only have to spot me entering the field and they charge in my direction, eager beavers for the carrots. They adore them.

And now I know why. Horses clearly have a sweet tooth. Goodness me, if you want to understand people simply study the animal kingdom.

Meanwhile, back with Harry and Sally ... enjoy, as they say:

                                                                             Pandæmonium: Come up and see me sometime and make me smile
 

PS: When I first thought of a ‘pandemonium’ headline I wasn’t totally sure how to spell it ― I don’t think I have ever written the word before ― so rather than wait for Look You’s spell-cheque to click in I invited Ivor the Search Engine  to investigate ... and I discovered this eye-catching word and explanation:

           Pandæmonium is the capital of Hell in John Milton’s epic poem Paradise Lost.

Well, well, every day is indeed a day at school.

 

Tuesday, April 7th

“I would like to apologise to the entire human race. I have managed to offend everyone.” Now c’mon, own up, you would have put money on that being Jeremy Clarkson, right? Actually, it is John Lydon, 59, formerly Johnny Rotten of the Sex Pistols.

As it happens, today I was perusing last weekend’s Sunday Times  Driving section, and when I landed on the centre-page spread, which is normally home to Clarkson’s weekly motoring column ― there was someone called Guy Martin, busily doing handbrake turns in an Aston Martin Vanquish Carbon Edition.

However, at the bottom of the page was this, indubitably the quote of the weekend:

                  “NOT SACKED! Jeremy is on holiday and back soon”

On holiday? Isn’t life now one long holiday following his OBR (Order of the Boot up the Rear) by the BBC?

Fear not though, for those suffering Clarkson withdrawal symptoms, coming up a few of his more memorable quotes.

But first, a quick look at the most eye-catching headline since the infamous fracas cum shemozzle cum punch-up that made the front pages. This from an article by Alison Boshoff (yes, honest ― I know, it’s very tempting), writing in the Daily Mail:

Why Clarkson cracked: Top Gear host is juggling two women, boozing
for England and in agony because he needs two new hips

And this also in said article:

Indeed, with the booze, the blonde and increased levels of bolshiness, it might appear that Clarkson is suffering the classic holy trinity of symptoms of a male mid-life crisis — regardless of the hostilities at the BBC...

Oh, and how could I forget this from his good ole buddy, Piers Morgan, 50 going on 15...

Very good. And this quote as well, again from Morgan, still 50 going on 15...

“Jeremy Clarkson is like any other 50-something: angst-ridden from damaged relationships, grieving loved ones, irritated by work-related issues, and battling inner demons...”

Oh dear. But I think Piers was also having a go at himself, which deserves a smile of the day spot.

Anyway, now for some choice quotes from Jeremy Clarkson, and as spotted in his various columns. This first from last November:

“I recently had a full medical and the news was not good. Having spent an entire day making me run about on a treadmill with a selection of enormous probes up my bottom, the doctor pulled a stern face and described my fitness as ‘atrocious’.
     “He’s right, of course. I get tired pulling on my socks these days. So, if I want to live much past the end of next weekend he says I must give up smoking, drink less, walk more, lose weight and — he really did say this — stop going to Argentina
[where, if you remember, he got embroiled in a diplomatic row with the Buenos Aires government over the Falklands].

“I don’t understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?”

“This car [Lotus Elise] is more fun than the entire French Air Force crashing into a firework factory.”

“Whenever I’m suffering from insomnia, I just look at a picture of a Toyota Camry and I’m straight off.”


What I enjoy about Jeremy Clarkson is that he rubbishes everything and everybody. He’s consistent.

Just like a somewhat eccentric rugby referee with laws of his own: as long as he treats both sides in the same fashion, the players adjust to his peculiarities and get on with the game.

Oh, and as with that fitness quote, above, Clarkson is not afraid to laugh at himself.
 

Easter Monday, April 6th
“MY mam used to say that a Welsh Easter was later because then you get stuff cheaper.” Slightly paraphrased; with apologies to Amy Sedaris, 54, American actress, author and comedian (with Greek roots), known for her part in the Comedy Central television series Stranger with Candy.

And this is how Heavenly, Llandeilo’s very own Chocta Reservation, celebrated Easter...
 


 

But what has  Miss Bunny 2015 been up to, though? Alongside, in the prematurely gobbled egg, that looks suspiciously like a Bugs Bunny foetus waiting to launch itself on an unsuspecting world.

Whatever...

Rules of chocolate Easter Eggs

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you’re eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Diet tip: Eat an Easter egg before each meal. It’ll take the edge off your appetite, and that way you’ll eat less.

If you can’t eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can’t eat all your chocolate, what’s wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.  Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Hot Chocolate touches the soul [It started with a kiss, you sexy thing, oh yes, heaven is in the back seat of my Reliant Robin ― everyone’s a winner].

With thanks to guy-sports.com for those smiley rules.
 


Easter Sunday, April 5th

A starter for ten

IT was a still, cool, rather pleasant daybreak ― some high, broken cloud, and somewhat hazy ― but both cloud and haze would rapidly clear to offer up a gloriously sunny and picture perfect morning.

But to start at the very beginning...

As I entered Dinefwr Park first thing and crossed the fields towards Newton House, the surprisingly ‘jumbo’ full moon was setting in a soft, gentle haze. Behind me, the sun was presumably looking for its hat as it prepared to get its act together...

If you stare at the sun you will go blind...
If you stare at the moon you become a poet...

Broadcaster Roy Noble on the wireless this very Easter Sunday morning

 

If thou would’st view fair Newton House aright,
Go visit it by the pale moonlight.

With apologies to Sir Walter Scott and The Lay of the Last Minstrel

Look for me by moonlight;
Watch for me by moonlight;
I’ll come to thee by moonlight, though hell should bar the way
!
Alfred Noyes, The Highwayman

Woman is the lesser man, and all thy passions, match’d with mine
Are as moonlight unto sunlight, and as water unto wine.

Alfred Tennyson, Locksley Hall

“Is there anybody there?” said the Traveller,
Knocking on the moonlit door.

Walter De La Mare, The Listeners
 

 

I did stare and stare at the magical sight of the setting moon in all its glory ― but I’m still awaiting poetic inspiration, hence borrowing the above free flowing prose.

However, one must live in hope.
 


Saturday, April 4th

A brief pause for thought, prompted by a letter in the Daily Mail  from a Harry W. Barstow of Box in Wiltshire:

  “The more sex you have the more likely you are to have a boy” (Mail)? Surely,
Henry VIII disproved that.

Hm, although famed for his many wives ― and discounting the several pregnancies that ended in stillbirth, miscarriage, or death in infamy ― Henry had three legitimate children (two girls and a boy), and one recognised illegitimate child (a boy). So, 50-50 then.

Mind you, for all we know, every time he had sex he made his woman pregnant ― which would explain the curious deaths of so many of his wives i.e. to stop them gossiping about how useless between the sheets our dear old ‘Enry was.

I am reminded of something from many moons back, chatting with a nice lady on a train who was accompanied by a very young set of twin boys ― and obviously hers because they kept calling her “Mummy”.

In conversation it transpired that she had eight other children at home, four sets of twins. “Goodness me,” say I, “you’ve had twins every time?”

“Oh no,” she said, “thousands of times I had nothing at all.”

 

Friday, April 3rd

A thread of letters and comments in the Telegraph  tickled the old Look You smileometer:

Your one a day  

SIR – If everyone ate one apple a day, this would save the NHS £4 billion annually (report: “Apple munchers were 27%less likely to need to visit the pharmacist for drugs, a study found”, April 1). Why aren’t they on prescription?
Peter Taylor, Tipton St John, Devon

Health care cost

SIR – Peter Taylor tells us that a daily apple on prescription would save the NHS £4 billion a year. According to my calculations, these apples would cost around £4 billion.
Nick Edge, Stoke Poges, Buckinghamshire

And some nifty online responses...

bravooscaroscartango2 [I think that = BOOT(S)]: So, Nick Edge, further to your calculations, the NHS would still be in the same boat financially, but, the population would at least be healthier, and by consuming said apples, might also eat less junk food.

Fallick Alec: I don’t see how giving everyone a computer every day will help financially.

One Last Try: Jobs for the boys.

Fallick Alec: Jobs is dead.

Handsome Jack: Keep taking the tablets.

Hm, many apples a day didn’t help poor old Steve Jobs, though, who died age 56.

Naomi Onions:
                          There was a young lady from Ryde,
                          Who swallowed an apple and died,
                          The apple fermented,
                          And so the lamented
                          Made cider inside ‘er inside.


However, never mind an apple a day---

Having your wife and eating her

Sign Language: “The recipe died with her”
Spotted in Hong Kong by Stephen Potts

So much for apples and cakes, the election campaign is now in full swing ― may the Lord forgive me my indifference ... however, and again compliments of The Daily Telegraph:

For what we are about to receive

SIR – During a previous election, a friend was running a pub called the Duke of Hamilton. One morning I found him almost hysterical over a letter from the local Conservative association, addressed to “The Duke of Hamilton”, followed by the correct address and postcode.
     The letter began “Your Grace”.
Jane Cullinan, Padstow, Cornwall

Tally Ho Cottage  

SIR – Previous letters on cold callers remind me of a time when, after moving house, I received junk mail addressed to Mrs Gone Away. I am pleased to say I have not lived up to my sobriquet.
Jennie Bedford, Cleeve, Gloucestershire

Long-distance call

SIR – A year ago I received a “number withheld” call late one evening, which went like this: “Hello.”
          “Am I speaking to Mr DesBois?”
          “Who’s calling?”
          “I’m calling on behalf of Churchill.”
          “I thought he was dead.”
          “Oh, I’m so sorry
!
Click, she hung up.
Len DesBois, Burnham-on-Sea, Somerset

PS: As a point of interest, scroll down to March 25...
 


Thursday, April 2nd

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!
 

   

Fashion in the news

SIR – Our 11-year-old daughter, Lauren, recently made a dress entirely of The Daily Telegraph and Sunday Telegraph for a school recycling competition (which she won).
     She also wore the garment last Saturday as part of a young designers’ Creativity on the Catwalk fashion show at the NEC, Birmingham.
     I thought you might be interested to see your recycled newspapers going to such good use. Lauren particularly liked the waistband made of your colour magazines.
Ann Hind, Bromsgrove, Worcestershire

Handsome Jack:  I much admire Miss Hind’s dress. Are comments allowed on it?

Gizzee: Of particular interest is who precisely reads, not just Miss Hind and the Telegraph, but the other newspapers as well:

                              The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country.

                              The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country.

                              The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country.

                              The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country.

                              The Financial Times is read by people who own the country.

                              The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country.

                              The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is.

                              The Daily Express is read by people who just want to know whether they need an umbrella.

                              Sun readers don’t care who runs the country ― as long as she’s got nice tits.
                              [Okay, hands up, I added those last seven words.]

                              Surfaceman: Liberated from the Old Jokes Home, Gizzee?

                              Gizzee: ... guilty face ...

Finally----

Strictly UK Politics Come Dancing

Tonight, on the telly, the great and the good of our political institutions debate life, the universe and everything.

I am reminded of the famous song Mister Ed, by Ray Evans and Jay Livingston:

         

          “A horse is a horse, of course, of course,
           And no one can talk to a horse, of course
           That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr Ed...

 

 

Sorry, Mr Ed, couldn’t resist it.
 


BEING that I am a natural-born sucker for a well-constructed April Fool’s joke, I was going to stay in bed until noon.

But these days every day is April Fool’s Day. I mean, of yesterday’s six smiles of the day, four could effortlessly have been spotted under April the First.

As it happens, today I followed my usual routine. Actually, the only person I met and spoke to this morning was the young lady at the newspaper shop. We had a brief and civilised conversation ---- not an ambush in sight.

Today was indeed an April Fool’s Day Free Zone at the Look You cave.

So what tickled my old smileometer then? Well, there was a clear winner...

 

@rachelzarrell

If you mistype Gmail, you end up here (http://gail.com ), and I want this woman to adopt me...

 


 

The above Q&A session is all that there is on the website. How totally wonderful is that?

Do you know, I’ve been advised that I should go on Twitter and Facebook and goodness knows what else because it would generate traffic to this website. And then I’d be able to carry advertising which would generate income.

Like Gail, I’m not really interested. I do this ‘ere Look You just for my own amusement and pleasure; in fact I have no idea what sort of traffic follows this particular scenic-route diversion.

If someone happens to follow this exit as they are whizzing along life’s interweb superhighway ― well, welcome to the well, enjoy a quick gulp of Welsh H2O.

Actually, I rather like Gail’s reason for not carrying ads: she doesn’t need more advertising in her life, thank you very much.

You’re my sort of person, Gail. And I really am delighted that Rachel Zarrell pointed me in your direction.

Oh, and I can absolutely understand why Rachel wants you to adopt her. Truth to tell, Gail, I think I would be quite delighted to find you moving in to the cave next door. I mean, you are so unforgivably polite, a huge bonus in my world.

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                                                                   Home
                                                                   Previously on Look You...
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2015: Mar
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2015: Feb
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2015: Jan
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Dec
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Nov
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Oct
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Sep
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Aug
                                                                   Smile of the day 2014: Jul
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Jun
                                                                   Smile of the day 2014: May
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Apr              Smile of the day 2013: Dec
                                                                  
Smile of the day 2014: Mar              Smile of the day 2013: Nov
                                                                   Smile of the day 2014: Feb              Smile of the day 2013: Oct
                                                                 
 Smile of the day 2014: Jan           Smile of the day 2013: Sep
                                                                                                                                       Smile of the day 2013: Aug
                                                                                                                                      
Smile of the day 2013: Jul
                                                                                                                                      
Smile of the day 2013: Jun
                                                                                                                                      
Smile of the day 2013: May
                                                                                                                                      
Smile of the day 2013: Apr
                                                                                                                                      
Smile of the day 2013: Mar
                                                                                                                                      
Smile of the day 2013: Feb

                                                                                                                                       Smile of the day 2013: Jan
                                                                                                                                       Smile of the day 2012d (Oct-Dec)

Previous 2012 smiles: Smile of the day 2012 (Jan-Mar) .. Smile of the day 2012 (Apr-Jun) .. Smile of the day 2012c (Jul-Sep) .. Smile of the day 2012d (Oct-Dec)
Previous 2011 smiles:  Smile of the Day 2011 (Jan-Jun) .. Smile of the Day 2011 (Jul-Sep) .. Smile of the day 2011 (Oct-Dec)
                   Home

 Previously: Smile of the Day 2010
Home   2010 (Jan to Jun)   2009   2008   March to May '07   June to Aug '07   Sep to Dec '07


Reception

You are here, way out west,
at Llandeilo

aka Llandampness
aka Dodgy City

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Previously on LOOK YOU......


Smile of the day 2015: Mar
Smile of the day 2015: Feb
Smile of the day 2015: Jan
Smile of the day 2014: Dec
Smile of the day 2014: Nov
Smile of the day 2014: Oct
Smile of the day 2014: Sep
Smile of the day 2014: Aug
Smile of the day 2014: Jul
Smile of the day 2014: Jun
Smile of the day 2014: May
Smile of the day 2014: Apr
Smile of the day 2014: Mar
Smile of the day 2014: Feb
Smile of the day 2014: Jan
Smile of the day 2013: Dec
Smile of the day 2013: Nov
Smile of the day 2013: Oct
Smile of the day 2013: Sep
Smile of the day 2013: Aug
Smile of the day 2013: Jul
Smile of the day 2013: Jun
Smile of the day 2013: May

Smile of the day 2013: Apr
Smile of the day 2013: Mar
Smile of the day 2013: Feb

Smile of the day 2013: Jan
Smile of the day 2012d (Oct-Dec)
Smile of the day 2012c (Jul-Sep)
Smile of the day 2012 (Apr-Jun)
Smile of the day 2012 (Jan-Mar)

Smile of the day 2011 (Oct-Dec)
Smile of the Day 2011 (Jul-Sep)
Smile of the Day 2011 (Jan-Jun)

Smile of the Day 2010
2010 (Jan to Jun)
2009

2008
Sep to Dec '07

June to Aug '07
March to May '07

As it was in the beginning:
ST DAVID'S DAY, 2007

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Postcards from my Square Mile @
smile
Updated: 11/08/2013

Here's lookin' at you @
400 Smiles A Day
Updated: 08/06/2013


What A Gas @
400 Smiles A Day
Updated: 17/05/2009

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